The Headlines.

2026-04-10 SPECULATION

Smart homes will eventually stage interventions about your lifestyle choices.

2026-04-09 TODAY IN HISTORY

(antiquity) Discovery of the wheel leads to 3000 years of traffic jams.

2026-04-08 TODAY'S FEAR

Someone asking "any questions?" & your mind producing seventeen simultaneously.

2026-04-07 BREAKING

Alarm clock actually wakes person up feeling refreshed. Glitch in Matrix suspected.

2026-04-06 BREAKING

Person remembers what they walked into the room for. Celebration follows.

2026-04-05 WEATHER

Unremarkably adequate with hints of "I suppose this is fine."

2026-04-04 TODAY'S FEAR

Group photo where everyone looks good except you.

2026-04-03 BREAKING

Local resident masters parallel parking. Witnesses stunned.

2026-04-02 LOCAL

Roundabout goes three days without causing argument. Residents concerned.

2026-04-01 BREAKING

Algorithm finally understands you & recommends therapy.

2026-03-31 TODAY'S FEAR

Sending risky text to correct person but regretting it anyway.

2026-03-30 OPINION

All small talk should be replaced with comfortable mutual silence.

2026-03-29 LOCAL

Someone holds door open for person twenty metres away. Awkward speed-walk ensues.

2026-03-28 BIRDS

Sparrow achieves inner peace through strategic breadcrumb distribution.

2026-03-27 WEATHER

Threatening, in that British way where it's probably fine but pack an anorak and galoshes.

2026-03-26 OPINION

All conversations should come with progress bar showing how much longer they'll last.

2026-03-25 BIRDS

Parrots achieve perfect mimicry of Alexa. Chaos ensues.

2026-03-24 JUST ASKING QUESTIONS

If you swallow a piece of gum & a watermelon seed simultaneously, what happens? Science refuses to investigate.

2026-03-23 TODAY IN HISTORY

(2001) First person pretends to understand what "synergy" means in a meeting.

2026-03-22 FACT

Nobody has ever successfully opened a bag of crisps quietly during a quiet moment.