The Headlines.

2026-08-22 BREAKING

Gym member since January actually attends gym. Gym unsure how to proceed.

2026-08-21 PATCH NOTES

Sid Meier's Civilization: Gandhi to be entirely replaced in late-game by a large red button that presses itself.

2026-08-20 SPECULATION

Future archaeologists will misclassify USBs as religious relics.

2026-08-19 THIS YEAR IN HISTORY

(1995) First person to use "lol" without actually laughing.

2026-08-18 BREAKING

Person successfully assembles flat-pack furniture without crying. IKEA investigates.

2026-08-17 TODAY'S FEAR

Your ironic appreciation becoming sincere appreciation before becoming ironic again.

2026-08-16 LOCAL

Local man discovers "the cloud" is just someone else's computer you can't turn off when it falls over. Existential crisis follows.

2026-08-15 TODAY'S FEAR

Using the wrong emoji & fundamentally altering the tone of your entire message.

2026-08-14 JUST ASKING QUESTIONS

Why do wise people say "I'll sleep on it" when thinking in bed keeps you awake?

2026-08-13 THIS YEAR IN HISTORY

(2024) First person openly admits they can't solve Rubik's cube.

2026-08-12 BREAKING

Person successfully reheats pizza to perfect temperature. Scientists unable to reproduce.

2026-08-11 FACT

The radius of your comfort zone is inversely proportional to your age.

2026-08-10 TODAY'S FEAR

Accidentally unmuting while eating crisps.

2026-08-09 WEATHER

Nice enough that you can't really complain, but disappointing enough to consider it.

2026-08-08 SPECULATION

"Let me check my calendar" will evolve into "let me consult the void".

2026-08-07 JUST ASKING QUESTIONS

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the pan? Scientists deflect inquiry.

2026-08-06 LOCAL

Local man discovers productivity hack: doing the thing instead of reading about doing the thing.

2026-08-05 THIS YEAR IN HISTORY

(1980) First person to forget their password immediately after creating it.

2026-08-04 FACT

The "Are you still watching?" Netflix prompt is passive-aggressive judgement masquerading as a question.

2026-08-03 TODAY'S FEAR

Voice message starting with "So, quick question" that's 4 minutes long.