The Headlines.

2026-04-02 LOCAL

Roundabout goes three days without causing argument. Residents concerned.

2026-04-01 BREAKING

Algorithm finally understands you & recommends therapy.

2026-03-31 TODAY'S FEAR

Sending risky text to correct person but regretting it anyway.

2026-03-30 OPINION

All small talk should be replaced with comfortable mutual silence.

2026-03-29 LOCAL

Someone holds door open for person twenty metres away. Awkward speed-walk ensues.

2026-03-28 BIRDS

Sparrow achieves inner peace through strategic breadcrumb distribution.

2026-03-27 WEATHER

Threatening, in that British way where it's probably fine but pack an anorak and galoshes.

2026-03-26 OPINION

All conversations should come with progress bar showing how much longer they'll last.

2026-03-25 BIRDS

Parrots achieve perfect mimicry of Alexa. Chaos ensues.

2026-03-24 JUST ASKING QUESTIONS

If you swallow a piece of gum & a watermelon seed simultaneously, what happens? Science refuses to investigate.

2026-03-23 TODAY IN HISTORY

(2001) First person pretends to understand what "synergy" means in a meeting.

2026-03-22 FACT

Nobody has ever successfully opened a bag of crisps quietly during a quiet moment.

2026-03-21 WEATHER

Optimistic sun followed by inevitable betrayal around 2pm.

2026-03-20 BREAKING

Man discovers lifehack that's just "have money".

2026-03-19 WEATHER

Persistently mediocre with no hope for improvement.

2026-03-18 JUST ASKING QUESTIONS

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

2026-03-17 LOCAL

Traffic light turns green. Nobody notices for seven seconds. Honking follows.

2026-03-16 OPINION

The only acceptable response to "how are you" should be an honest one.

2026-03-15 LOCAL

Neighbour's wi-fi name grows increasingly passive-aggressive. Cold war escalates.

2026-03-14 BREAKING

Parodical news website breaks. Cause of problem localised to region between web developer's keyboard and web developer's chair. Nobody surprised.